Effing Dykes Presents: Exactly What Lies Below (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

admin Junho 5, 2024 0 Comments


That is a Special Guest Post by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer woman blog that is hilarious and smart and a little perverse and
WE LOVE IT
. Probably wouldn’t be a terrible concept to put apart a while and get drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, when you yourself haven’t already. Just make sure you keep coming back here to read this post, since it is special, as previously mentioned.

via ohcardigan


Hiya lezzers!


I Have had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…



WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??




MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!


Get your buddy. Everybody had gotten your buddy? Good. Hold on tight tight towards pal’s hand.


‘Cause this is a true tale.


Ahem.



A Long Time Ago, as I was therefore newly homosexual I Did Not even know I Found Myself newly homosexual…


An older lesbian on now-defunct queer club known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was entirely merely here to dancing)


provided me with some guidance:

1)


Never open a mutual checking account with your partner



2)


You should not fake orgasms



3)


Verify a woman’s fingernails tend to be thoroughly clean.


The sensible lesbian was a student in her late 40’s, an age group up to now far from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i really couldn’t even picture just what it should be want to be so ancient.

via petitlapin


Exactly how unfortunate, I thought. Here the woman is at a bar and she actually is old. I am hoping I do not become lonely like the lady.


Isn’t really it enjoyable getting the center of your own personal world?


Exactly what slightly shit I happened to be.

via diaghram


For reasons uknown, however, I walked away from

Za’s


that night duplicating her three regulations to my self.


While I woke up, I imagined ones.


It was similar to for the sterling silver Chair, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb are recharged by Aslan to consider The indicators.


Never act like that you don’t re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least once annually.


Anyhow! over time, i recalled the three existence instructions the lesbian had trained me. The woman guidance made sense.


We never ever unsealed a mutual checking account with any person.


We never ever faked orgasms once more following the first few occasions used to do it, recognizing I was, in reality, dooming myself personally to a perpetual pattern of shitty sex by satisfying poor overall performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”


And I also always secretly examined a lady’s fingernails before we slept with her.

via diaphram


Short? Check.


No abrasive borders? Always Check.


Thoroughly clean? Its search time.


But the reason why, sluts?


What is the fuss about nails?


What is from the short-nailed lesbian laughs? What?


What i’m saying is, alright, I get it. It’s tougher to shag with very long nails. You could maybe puncture a lung or something.


But it’s perhaps not difficult. I have had lengthy nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t what hard — you only be sure to utilize the shields of your own fingers.


So just why was actually that lesbian very emphatic about clean fingernails?

You guys, she was



SO. EMPHATIC.


I decided accomplish some debunking.


Surely nothing could actually happen to you any time you got banged by some body with filthy fingernails.

via lesbiansftw


Then we remembered a tale so horrible I would almost forgotten it.


Homos.

via dirtyknife


Terrible shit can occur.


This scary tale relates to us due to my good-looking pal ”


Cai



,” having observed more snatch in heat than a kitty hospital on totally free Spay time.


Okay.


Cai


was a student in Miami when she met an extremely hot femme we are going to contact


Katie.


Katie


smelled like glucose snacks baking, wore a leopard-print swimsuit, had huge gold hoops that shimmered within the light, plus had one of several best asses


Cai


had actually ever seen.


She secretly texted me a photo of

Katie

from the swimming pool so she could brag, and I texted right back,


“I would personally strike that till my personal hand fell off.”

via hellogirls


Thus, yes,


Katie.


Cai


took


Katie


house that evening. There was some significant ingesting.


While getting undressed


Katie


in the half-light,


Cai


watched some thing she hadn’t truly observed prior to:



Katie had cool fingernails.



In reality,




Katie




had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.


Cai


could not end the emotional picture of the fingernails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic gender commenced.


Cai


actually let

Katie


bang the lady, and even though she ordinarily never ever allows anybody accomplish that. Exactly what the hell, she realized. Heading home tomorrow. Never ever see this girl once again. I’m able to get topped for a night.


Why don’t we fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees


Some thing ended up being incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”


Seriously, seriously incorrect. It itched. It burnt.


Some, um, greenish-yellowish material ended up being oozing as a result. As soon as we state some What i’m saying is too much. quantities. of. pus.


Cai


refused to visit the lady-doctor.


Because becoming supportive is exactly what friendship is focused on, when she told me, we mentioned,


“You finally got the clap. Whorebag.”


Cai


laughed nervously. She moved house, googled “the clap” and became believing that she performed, indeed have gonorrhea. She went, for the first time actually


(she had been 28),


to our queer-friendly community gyno center.


They failed to understand what ended up being incorrect with her.


They tried the girl for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.


Cai


was a student in some pain. She required answers. She was getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost monthly now.


So that they gave this lady an ultrasound.



AND IS IT POSSIBLE YOU YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.


Genital tears. All over the inside of her vag.


Many rips.


Cai


was indeed ripped to shreds. Her insides had been holding in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe-paper birthday decorations within.


And every thing – every final inches – was infected.


It could look that after Katie made use of the woman fabulous extended nails giving

Cai


a strenuous drunk-fuck, no person realized that her nails were in addition a festering breeding surface for



bacterial vaginosis

.


Brilliant.


Cai


claims to are a stone-cold top ever since.


My personal best friend wikipedia says you can acquire unpleasant problems from filthy fingernails. Seemingly, you will find occasionally staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which can trigger something from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.


And you know what else?


Pinworm eggs.


S’all I’m gonna say.

normally pinworms


That a good idea lesbian had been spot-on with her existence lessons.



Never ever open a mutual bank account along with your lover.



Never ever artificial sexual climaxes.



And holy mom of god, check another secret’s nails before banging.

by crystal gwyn


Or you tend to be doomed to experience the destiny of Cai.



THE CONCLUSION


I Must wonder, though…



Have any of y’all ever become something unpleasant from another women’s hands?



Or heard of a person that did?



Or is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban misconception?


My personal fingers are inching towards the travel-sized Purell bottle.


Now I need answers.



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